Baby Talk
by Bella1951
Summary: Baby Draco is crying again. Cissy is sleeping through it. If Bella wants to get any sleep tonight, she will have to do something drastic. Like taking care of a baby.


**A/N: This is set just after Draco's birth. It was originally going to be very angsty and dramatic, then I got a couple paragraphs in and decided to scrap that idea and go for humour. I had some fun writing it, so I hope that you all enjoy it. Do I REALLY need to remind you that I'm not J.K. Rowling. **

Baby Talk

The baby was squalling again. Bella winced at the high pitched yowls and clamped her pillow over her head. It was unbelievable that something so small could make such a racket. And the racket never ended. From the moment he had come home from the hospital, baby Draco had been whimpering nonstop.

Rudolphus was stirring next to her. Bella sat up in bed, eager for someone to join her in her sleepless night.

"You awake, love?" he whispered.

"Unfortunately." Bella slipped out of bed and padded to the door. "He won't shut up!"

"That's what babies do," said Rudolphus patiently. "They cry and cry and cry until you look up the telephone number for the orphanage." Bella snorted with laughter.

"Sadly, Cissy's not quite that desperate yet." She opened the door a crack. "Is she still asleep?"

"She's been up half the night with him already," Rudolphus shrugged. "She's probably tired."

"No kidding." Bella grinned despite herself. For the first time ever, she was better groomed than Narcissa.

"She's probably so tired that she's sleeping right through his racket." Bella stood up straighter.

"You mean, maybe she doesn't even hear him?" Rudolphus nodded.

"Well, that's just great, isn't it?" Bella groaned. "How're we supposed to get any sleep?" Rudolphus suddenly grinned a grin evil enough to match his wife's.

"Oh no." Bella backed away from him and knocked against the dressing table. "If you think that I'm going in there to take care of a baby –"

"Why not?" he chuckled. "Aren't women supposed to go all dewy eyed over babies?"

"Not on your life!" Bella shrieked.

"Well, you could just go in and stun him."

Bella considered this for a moment. Cissy would be furious, of course, and stunning spells were hard on babies. They could cause serious heart problems. The child could even die.

_And then she could sleep. _

"I'll do it!"

Bella pulled on her dressing gown and marched out the door. She tiptoed down the hallway towards the nursery. When she reached the door, she slipped her wand out of her pocket and held it out in front of her as she entered the room.

Draco was flailing his arms and legs about, screaming his lungs out. His face was so red that it resembled an overripe tomato. She moved swiftly to the crib and leaned over the bars.

Suddenly, Draco stopped crying. Bella looked around in bewilderment. Had Cissy come in behind her? No. So why had the baby stopped crying? She leaned over the crib and recoiled as her nephew attempted to pull her hair.

Perhaps the child thought that she was Narcissa? Draco hiccoughed and gurgled. Bella looked at him nervously.

"You want...up?" She held out her arms, but the child didn't leap into them. Why not? Bella puzzled this over for a moment. Oh yeah. He hadn't yet learned to sit up. So that meant that she actually had to lift the child. Okay, she could do that.

Possibly.

Bella reached into the crib and grabbed the baby around the middle. His head and legs arched to the crib and he started to whimper. So that wasn't right. Bella put the baby down.

"Well, what if I..." Bella grabbed his arms and tried to pull Draco to his feet. Big, fat tears started to roll down his cheeks. So that wasn't it either. Maybe if she was closer to the baby. But he was in the crib...

After placing her wand on the bookshelf, Bella pulled a chair over to the bars and hoisted herself up. Draco gurgled in surprise to find his aunt sitting next to him.

Bella scowled at him. "Okay, brat, if you tell anybody about this, you're dead meat." Draco giggled.

Bella stuck one hand under his head and the other under his ankles and lifted. No pain so far. Good. Now to get out of the crib...

Not so good.

Bella's hands were full of baby, so she had no way to pull herself out. She tried to stand up without using her hands, but she kept sinking into the soft pillows that Narcissa had so thoughtfully lined the crib with.

Then she tried bouncing on her knees, which created a bigger problem. The bottom of the crib, unable to take the combined weight of Bella and Draco, collapsed and they fell to the floor.

Bella had to admit that she was stuck. She couldn't climb out of the crib without dropping Draco, the space between the bars and the mattress was too narrow to crawl through and even if she could manage to get out, Narcissa would be sure to notice the fact that her son's crib had been turned into a form of modern art. Her wand was out of reach on the bookshelf. Rudolphus was sure to be asleep; Narcissa and Lucius were so tired that they would be able to sleep through an explosion. Bella had two options, both excruciatingly embarrassing.

She could sleep in the crib all night, and wait for Cissy and Lucius to find her. Or...

Bella examined her left forearm thoughtfully. If he was in the middle of a mission, he would be furious. If he was in a bad mood, he would probably kill her. But of two choices: dying or facing Lucius in the morning, Bella chose dying. She set Draco down on her lap and pressed her finger to the Dark Mark.

There was a loud crack and the Dark Lord appeared before her, wand drawn.

"Bella?" he hissed. "What is it? Have you heard something about the prophecy?" Then, as he took in his surroundings, he fell silent. Bella cringed as he took in the sight of his best lieutenant sitting wandless in a crib, in her nightclothes, holding a two month old baby.

"Bella?"

"My Lord..."

"Bella," said the Dark Lord slowly, somewhat confused. "You are aware that it is three o' clock in the morning?"

"Yes, my Lord."

"And you have called me here _why?_"

"You see, my Lord," Bellatrix managed, her cheeks flaming, "The baby was crying and I tried to pick it up, but I had to get in the crib to get it and – and – and I got stuck."

"Do you mean to say," the Dark Lord started, "that you have called me here at _three_ _o'clock am_ because you managed to get yourself stuck in your nephew's crib?"

_**"Yes, my Lord."**_

_**"And what do you expect me to do about this, Bellatrix?" He surveyed her coldly, and Bella felt a wild desire to laugh at the pure absurdity of the situation. Well, if she hadn't been terrified that he was going to murder her at any second, she would have laughed.**_

_**"I was hoping that maybe you could – um – help me get out?" He gawked at her.**_

_**"You are lucky that I am feeling lenient tonight, so I will spare your life." The Dark Lord rolled his eyes and pointed his wand at the crib. He quickly levitated the mattress out of the crib, and Bella found herself sitting on the floor. She stood up awkwardly and bowed, holding Draco in front of her like a tray.**_

_**"Thank you, my Lord," Bella gasped. "Thank you!" She kept her head down as her master prepared to leave.**_

_**"Do not let it happen again," he said, his tone icy. There was a loud crack as he disapparated. Bella sighed and glanced down at the baby, the cause of all her trouble. Not only had Draco stopped crying, he had fallen asleep. Bella put him back in the crib and turned, yawning, towards the door, only to see...**_

_**"Rudolphus!" she moaned. Her husband was having silent convulsions of laughter, and was bent over double, trying not to make a sound.**_

_**"That was an interesting method of putting a baby to bed," he snorted, once he had calmed himself slightly. "Particularly the part where you climbed into the crib!" **_

_**"Did you see everything?" Bella hissed, mortified. **_

_**"Pretty much," Rudolphus grinned. "I was curious as to what you were going to do, so I decided to watch. Boy, am I glad I did!"**_

_**"Yes, well, you don't need to laugh so much about it!" Bella sniffed.**_

_**"I loved the bit where you called the Dark Lord to get you out of a crib!"**_

_**"Shut up."**_

_**"And he didn't even kill you!"**_

_**"I said **_**shut up!**_**"**_

_**The couple started to walk back towards their bedroom, Rudolphus still snickering and Bellatrix fuming.**_

_**"So, Bella, you know all about taking care of babies now, right?" Bella ignored him, which Rudolphus seemed to take as an invitation to continue. **_

"_**Maybe we should have one of our own. We could start tonight. What do you think, Bella? OW! Alright, I take it back! Ouch, stop it! Ow!"**_

_**It came as no surprise to either of the Lestranges that Rudolphus spent yet another night on the couch.**_

_Well, I hope that you enjoyed it and please review. _


End file.
